“Black Kids, I’m Sorry”

To the little me(s) of the world–

the kids who look like me, talk like me, and walk like me but will never get the chance to follow their dreams like me; the ones who will never know they are great, beautiful, smart, princes and princesses, future kings and queens.

From your father, mother, sister and brother –

We tell you to go to school but on your way there you’re murdered. We tell you to avoid violence and run but when you run, you are chased and shot dead. Sorry, that the advice we give may cost you your life. Sorry black kids.

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Black KIDS, I’m sorry, we don’t know what to do.

You’re murdered, beaten, arrested, mistreated.

We talk, we educate, we pray.

Black KIDS, I’m sorry, we don’t know what to do.

You take your last breath, and eyes close for the last time, you leave this earth prematurely.

We meet, we cry, we plot.

Black KIDS, I’m sorry, we don’t know what to do.

You never make it to college, or discover what you truly want to do. It takes some of us a lifetime. But for you – there’s not enough time.

Black KIDS I’m sorry, we don’t know what to do.

We’re silent, we’re loud, we’re angry.

You Die, you DIE, you DIE.

We watch the news, we petition, we organize.

You DIE, you DIE, you DIE.

We reminisce on the 60’s and go as far back as slavery.

“We’ve come so far,” “Things are better,” “There has been a change.”

Just as you died then, you die now all the same.

So black Kids, I’m sorry because I don’t know what to do.

You DIE, you DIE, we DIE.

“A New Thing”

Many of us have experienced that inner desire to do something new and different, and for most of us it tends to go a little deeper than buying a new car or pair of shoes, or even dining at a new restaurant.  Deep down within us lives this nagging desire to do something that validates who we are and gives us a sense of purpose. It could be moving to a new city or country, or starting that business that we’ve always wanted to start, or my personal testimony, writing the story that I can’t seem to stop thinking about. Whatever it is, there has been a time where we’ve all wanted to do “a new thing”. But why is it that, so often, before we can do what we want to do, we’ll give ourselves a list of things that we believe we have to do first?  Those “have tos” usually operate like stumbling blocks to our progress.  In our heads, we say: “While, I’d love to do that, I have to do this, first, and then I’ll get to that.” Do we use these statements so loosely because we are afraid that we may fail at our “new thing”?  Is it used because we don’t honestly want to put in the work required to see it manifest? Or, does change really frighten us because in “a new thing” lies the unknown?

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Let’s become free together and live a life where we allow the beauty of what we love to be what we do – Rumi/Buck

Finding peace in your sadness

I tuck myself away, underneath the sadness – it exist in a feeling that words cannot describe. In the world of hope, pain still exist. It is in this place of pain that I am so truthful to who I am-the hurt seems to motivate me more than happiness. Is it because pain is true and happiness is an illusion? For certain, I know it has been most identifiable, it’s where I grew up. When you are kept in the belly of hurt, and it has the consistency of a best friend, how do you live without it? That is my question to self, well I don’t. It has been my experience that the most beautiful moments are birthed out of pain. Example – There was no greater pain than finding out my mother had only a few months to live (13 and having never spent a day on earth without my mommy, terrified, afraid, hurt and in pain) but the sight of her walking towards me in that moment of my finding out was where I witnessed true beauty. The pain that I was feeling forced me to see the beauty that was her life AND that was one of the most powerful experiences I had ever had. She had always been my greatest love but I believe fear, hopelessness,and sadness ushered me into a place of truth. The truth of who she was to me and who she was to the earth was made visible, so I don’t despise these feelings, I embrace them. No one want’s to feel sadness but what if we allowed ourselves to love it the way we love being happy? If this is done, you may find something greater than happiness-you could stumble across the discovery that peace can live inside of sadness.

SUICIDE-Should I live today?

As I sit and try to find a way to address an issue that I have had such a personal relationship with throughout my life, I get overwhelmed with the many memories I have of moments where I did not want to live. As I stand still in my mind, I began to look back over my life and I see 7 year old me sitting on the bed with whelps on my arms and legs from a whipping that I had just received. And the blood from those scars screaming no one loves you; you have no reason to live. I remember my mind wondering why my mommy would leave me in a home where I could not see or feel love (SUICIDE). Age 16, I was in love for the first time, and he said he loved me except he claimed to love her equally and was only allowed to love me in private. He denied me to everyone and when I took a look around I couldn’t see a reason for living. Who would miss me? No one ever really loved me first anyway, mommy loved her heroin, sister loved her men and sex, and my foster dad loved his liquor more. Who really loved me first (SUICIDE)? So I sat in the kitchen on the floor, knife to my wrist sliding the blade back and forth with pain oozing from my eyes, and with a hurt clouding my heart. The thoughts of taking my life encouraged me to press the knife a little harder at least until I could see blood. I cried not genuinely wanting to die, but really just wanting to escape the pain that I was feeling. There are so many young people and adults that have some of these same thoughts and feelings and don’t make it. And then there are those of us that do decide to live. Initially my question to everyone was going to be, why did you chose YES I will live? And being someone who suffers from depressive thoughts often for whatever reason – thoughts that dying would be easier than living, I had to sit with myself and ask the question, why did I chose yes? At 7 and 16 I don’t know but at 26, I say yes to life because I believe that I can live. I know that it is not too hard and yes I will have moments where I feel  sadness, but I have seen joy that comes in the morning. So here I am, ALIVE to show the people who feel like joy will never come again, that it does but you have to live to see it. So please share anything you would like to share concerning this issue of SUICIDE and suicidal thoughts. It is my hope that anyone struggling to live can find encouragement through our stories.

What Environment is dominating your life?

I ran away from my hometown of Baltimore City with the idea that I would get out of an  environment that I felt was detrimental to my success as a young lady, I figured that if I could just get away and start over that everything would change in my life. Yes, Virginia appeared different but the root of why I was running still existed and it showed up in my new town, resembling home. It wasn’t until I returned to my city that I noticed a change. The outside environment remained the same, but what had changed was my internal environment. My thoughts had changed, which transformed my outside environment into a place where I would flourish and produce great successes. The saying that one is a product of their environment is often used but it has been my personal discovery that my environment has been a product of me. Do you allow your outside environment to dictate your inside environment or do you take your power back and reverse the roles?