SUICIDE-Should I live today?

As I sit and try to find a way to address an issue that I have had such a personal relationship with throughout my life, I get overwhelmed with the many memories I have of moments where I did not want to live. As I stand still in my mind, I began to look back over my life and I see 7 year old me sitting on the bed with whelps on my arms and legs from a whipping that I had just received. And the blood from those scars screaming no one loves you; you have no reason to live. I remember my mind wondering why my mommy would leave me in a home where I could not see or feel love (SUICIDE). Age 16, I was in love for the first time, and he said he loved me except he claimed to love her equally and was only allowed to love me in private. He denied me to everyone and when I took a look around I couldn’t see a reason for living. Who would miss me? No one ever really loved me first anyway, mommy loved her heroin, sister loved her men and sex, and my foster dad loved his liquor more. Who really loved me first (SUICIDE)? So I sat in the kitchen on the floor, knife to my wrist sliding the blade back and forth with pain oozing from my eyes, and with a hurt clouding my heart. The thoughts of taking my life encouraged me to press the knife a little harder at least until I could see blood. I cried not genuinely wanting to die, but really just wanting to escape the pain that I was feeling. There are so many young people and adults that have some of these same thoughts and feelings and don’t make it. And then there are those of us that do decide to live. Initially my question to everyone was going to be, why did you chose YES I will live? And being someone who suffers from depressive thoughts often for whatever reason – thoughts that dying would be easier than living, I had to sit with myself and ask the question, why did I chose yes? At 7 and 16 I don’t know but at 26, I say yes to life because I believe that I can live. I know that it is not too hard and yes I will have moments where I feel  sadness, but I have seen joy that comes in the morning. So here I am, ALIVE to show the people who feel like joy will never come again, that it does but you have to live to see it. So please share anything you would like to share concerning this issue of SUICIDE and suicidal thoughts. It is my hope that anyone struggling to live can find encouragement through our stories.

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